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I wish I could impress upon you here that I'm not just voicing an opinion... that what I'm saying is stone cold fact. This is simply true, based on research and experience. What he's doing is the first step in teaching you to tolerate spousal abuse.Jeffry Brickley described the process to a tee, but it's too easy for someone like you, someone who's already begun to make excuses for your boyfriend's terrible mistreatment of you, to dismiss Mr. Brickley's description with "that can't happen to me." I have worked in and around emergency departments for nearly thirty years, save two or three I spent working at a state psych hospital. I have seen you hundreds of times. I have seen you escape only a handful of times. It's always been RIGHT NOW, when things are still developing. There are three things I've learned that abused women have in common. I won't tell you what they are because you might not see them yourself, but I see two of them in what you wrote. The fact that I don't see the third gives me hope for you. Please get out. For your sake and your future children's. Before you find a new boyfriend, learn that no one has the right to control your behavior but you and that anyone who tries to control you has no place in your life. No, it is not justifiable. It is inexcusable. -- >> If I am unavailable, he presumes I'm partying or busy flirting. That is exactly what you should do tomorrow: Be unavailable (to him), party and flirt. Your plan for today is getting out of there. -- I wasted over 20 years of my life with an abusive, narcissistic, psychopath. Reading this just made me sick. I felt like I was reading about the young pretty fun me, over 20 years ago. If someone would have warned me about the horror my life would become I would not have believed them. All the signs of abuse are there, you are already being abused and you are making excuses for him. He does not trust you, because he can not trust himself. He has no boundaries, this is a big time red flag! He is grooming you into the perfect subservient victim. It's very easy for me to recognize now, as I am hyper aware of even the slightest signs of someone having a temper or signs of a controlling personality. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again, but that's something I'll work on at some point, right now I'm still trying to protect myself from continued abuse, and I've been divorced for two years, separated a year before the divorce. I would not wish this life on my worst enemy. The isolation, the fear, the lies that I still tell when people ask "how are you", it's no life anyone would want. I know. You can't save him. You can't love him more, he will actually lose respect for you the more you hand over control of your life to him. This is a bad situation. It will be hard, but you have to leave. Make a clean break and do not have any contact with him. He will try to lure you back. I married my ex husband twice. And I knew he was a very bad man, but he was also an expert liar, a con artist, a master manipulator, and I loved him. They will cry, they will be the best boyfriend in the world if they think you are thinking about leaving. Trust what these ladies are saying. It only gets worse. Leave. Right now you don't have children, right now you can do whatever you want to do. There are so many of us that would give anything if we could go back in time and heed the warning signs. If there were web sites like this back then, who knows... -- I will not try to tell you what to do. Instead I will tell you where this relationship is going. In about a year to two years you will marry him, and for about 6 months you will be assured that things will have gotten better. At the end of the 6 months he'll lay into you over something he saw on your phone and demand to see it. It'll be just that once, but you will give in. He will begrudgingly accept that you did nothing wrong. This behavior will repeat until you find yourself using your phone less and less, talking to people less and less in order to try to prevent your husband from getting mad at you. You will be married two years now, though it will seem like yesterday, even though you dread tomorrow you still say it's happy there. You may or may not have a child by now, but you feel like more promises hold you than they did three or four or even two years ago. Time will pass, you will "dress down" to attract less attention, deliberately trying not to attract male attention fearing your husband's reaction. This is called walking on eggshells. It is now your everyday behavior and you know nothing else but this reaction. You can't even imagine a world before you walked in fear of setting him off. But it's still your fault, you still see it as you being the cause, because that is what he says every time he yells at you. "I saw you talking to that guy at Walmart! Admit it!!" "I was just asking where to find where the olives..." "Bull****! He was trying to find your ****, give me your phone, I bet he gave you his number!" "no, no, look, see? no more contacts than before." and you will have to defend every single male name in your contacts including your boss. Next week you will start deleting contacts to prevent this blow-up from occurring again. Within two more years you will be handing over your phone for inspection every week. You will have no passwords that he does not know. He will have full control of all your money, though he will still refer to it as "ours" you will have no say as to how it is spent, and you want no say because that just causes turmoil. You have now been married 4-5 years. You fear every wrong number, you keep your phone on silent just in case. He controls which doctors you see, when you see them, and what medicine you are allowed to take. You may be able to say the word abuse. He's cruel, he runs your facebook saying horrible things to anyone who asks about you. You hide a journal, or a blog, because you've lost contact with everyone, you're lost, you're alone, but you can't say "leave." The word makes you shiver in fear, you know how he is, you know how violent he will become. He hasn't hit you, but he's charged at you twice now. The first time you cringed and he chewed you out for cringing, the second time you stood there, waiting for the blow to fall. It didn't, but you know you would have let it. You know the blow is coming, you don't know when, or where, or how. You know it as sure as you know his voice, the words he calls you, the names. You've moved your journal or blog several times, you're growing adept at hiding this one little guilty thing. You aren't hitting on anyone, encouraging anyone, you just don't want to be alone when the blow hits. It's so hard being isolated, but no one knows how isolated you are and you can't let anyone know. It's your mask you use to hide the words, the fear, the abuse, though you can only say it to others to help them, you can't quite say it to yourself. It's now 7-8 years of marriage. You have more promises, more reasons to stay, maybe even kids. You do not believe your life is yours anymore. You don't believe you have any choices. One thing you are sure of: you know the hand will come, you wonder how much it will hurt.... and you know you will let it. Just think about it please.... abuse doesn't all happen over night. --